No Bias. No Narratives.
Recap: Short notice, 1-round battle between the prolific Drugz and the ever-entertaining Uno Lavoz contains its share of fun, rich performance bars and antics, but a more condensed and consistently punch-heavy Drugz ends up pulling it out at the end.
Verdict: Drugz (W) 1-0
Favorite line: Drugz – “Ain’t you a comedian?, I’ll knock this nigger out and tell him ‘Stand up!'”
Recap: Yeah ummm, that was interesting. But if JPTheEntertainer (aka Cali Smoov) is really attempting to take on comedy, he should probably do a couple of tune-ups before going against the likes of a battle rapper who uses jokes for like 60% of his rhymes. Feelgood Mexican jokes aside, for Cali there really wasn’t much else there and with his opponent going ham with the Cali impression, fly personals and scintillating ya momma jokes, this one was really no contest.
Verdict: Uno Lavoz (W) 1-0
Favorite line: Uno Lavoz – “Your mom got a face tat on her pussy…her clitoris gotta tear drop and that’s that!”
Recap: When two of the wittiest battle rappers in the biz show up for match, one would expect a laughfest. Too bad, in this 3-round battle from KOTD, only Jeffrey showed up. Scoring at will with rapid (“I scooped his honey up like Winnie the Pooh!”) personals, a plethora of dick jokes and race quips, the plainest named rapper in the game easily beats back a mostly unprepared bag of pedestrian freestyles and wearisome raps from Uno Lavoz.
Verdict: Jeffrey (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Jeffrey – “Now the caption gonna say 48 hours notice when I’m spitting this online, ‘cuz I just delivered a box in two days like Amazon Prime!”
Recap: A nice set-up on the legends scheme to start his round, an able freestyle and some sizzling bars gives Philly Haze the edge over the comedic, albeit a little laborious, stylings of Uno Lavoz here in this one-rounder from HoneyCombHideout.
Verdict: Philly Haze (W) -10
Favorite line: Philly Haze -“Me and your bitch is like Neosporin, when we lay in the cut, I grip her ass and make beats when I play with her butt!”
Recap: In what you’d think would be a entertaining barfest, D.O.T. versus Uno Lavos is less engaging when interrupted by attention whores in the crowd. Yet isn’t helped either by Uno’s lack of verbal (“I was about to stab you then punch you, now that’s how you cross your T’s and DOT your I’s!”/”I’ll knock you the fuck out over a ceiling fan”?!?) consistency, much less oft-lame attempts at mimicking D.O.T.’s style. Still, while D.O.T.’s veritable army of braggadocio bars and witty gun bars aren’t always impressive, overall, they’re still (“This barrel hot like corduroys on the 4th of July!”) efficient enough to take rounds 1 plus 3 and walk out with a win here.
Verdict: D.O.T. (W) 2-1
Favorite line: D.O.T. – “Neck shot, will fuck up his posture, I twist scalps like rasta’s, I’ll send a Mexican shooter, she’ll come to ya casa, take out the familia…para nada!”
Recap: Against a mostly lackluster Uno Lavos, who even when it came to jokes wasn’t much on his A-game, Marvwon delivers his own brand of salacious wit along with a load of stinging personals to score a 30 on Don’t Flop.
Verdict: Marvwon (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Marvwon – “You created this alter image so the murderers wouldn’t kill you, but it hurts your heart when you found out they like the fake you more than the real you!”
Recap: Witty bars, jokes, wordplay, some freestyles and even a rebuttal or two…it’s all to be expected in a battle between a couple of chamelons like (…it’s two straps coming over the shoulder, like better safe than sorry!”; “…because as soon as you try angles, you’ll get the .9 in the middle!”) Bangz and (“This round coming off from the finger, that’s an angry wife!”; “I want a percentage of everything you make until you switch trends, I want my money to grow here [hair] so I cut Bangz [bangs] off if he don’t split ends!”) Uno Lavoz. But after drawing pretty even in the first couple of rounds, a short, slip-up prone 3rd round by Uno allows Bangz the opportunity to dish a solid and clean turn for the win.
Verdict: Bangz (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Bangz – “Wack is something that I ain’t never been, I’ll have a shell move into his body [what’s that?] let it settle in!”
Recap: Not much to see here and a pretty dead crowd didn’t help things either as Uno Lavoz and O-Red are put together for a matchup that made little sense. First round stands out as the best round as a somewhat hyped O-Red gets off some nice (“Militant, ready for action, let this nigga trip, neck shot, he’ll walk off stage with the Reggie Miller clinch”) performance bars, while for the most part Uno struggles with his angles/bars freestyles and yo mama jokes. Latter rounds sees the crowd get more and more distracted as the combined performance by Red and Uno only gets lamer with a shitload of lackluster (Uno: “I heard you sleeping on me, yeah? Well I’ll put that silencer over your mattress, now that’s your deathbed”) bars and slip-ups. Still, with just enough potent bars and affable wordplay in round two to overcome a throwaway final round and Uno lacking hard in originality or consistency throughout, Red’s gets a dub that he probably won’t be bragging to kids grandkids about.
Verdict: O-Red (W) 2-1
Favorite line: O-Red – “It’s sad you losing your life God and your bae [Bay] watching me”
Recap: Tone Montana withstands a mediocre 2nd round and uses a stellar mix of grimy schemes, wicked (“I got two moods, one’s rude, that’s ‘please excuse me’ and ‘fuck you!'”) punchlines and ill bully bars to beat Uno Lavos, who came with his standard assortment of potent (“I heard you name all ya guns, well homie that’s whats up, I name my guns too, this is ‘shut’ and this is ‘da fuck up’!”) jokes and salty gun bars, but overall couldn’t keep up with his opponent’s more consistent flow, delivery and bar quotient.
Verdict: Tone Montana (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Tone Montana – “I ain’t one of those niggas you almost beat, stay in the bike lane pussy nigga, you almost street!”
Recap: Some battles are not for the sensitive types and this one between Uno Lavoz and Juan certainly fit the category. While both battlers went ham with the jokes (Uno: “And your teeth are big as shit. how much wood could a Juan Juan chuck?”), personals (Juan: “It’s Juan and Uno Lavos, they got this fella to battle me, all we need no wis Carlos and Pedro and we could start our own Mexican battle league”) and punchlines to split the first two rounds, it’s Uno’s over-the-top freestyle (“Wanna know how I know you’re a faggot? That’s your girlfriend…”) taken out on an apparent tranny in the crowd in addition to some downright mean Jewish jokes that gets him a some might say…controversial win.
Verdict: Uno Lavoz (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Uno Lavoz – “He’s racist, don’t fucking believe him, I mean the only black friends he has is the Jewish people that survived the oven treatment”
Recap: Plenty of antics, jokes (Uno Lavoz: “Why doesn’t Daylyt like knock-knock jokes? because his father never came home”), hecklers, donations, rebuttals, antics, dance steps, racist lines, wrestling moves on the host, pushing, shoving, steady interruptions and even some (Daylyt: “Me? I’m Mr. Hanky with a spine problem, aww shit he back spazzing!”) bars mixed in–what else would you expect from a matchup between two of battle rap’s funniest and wildest characters? Uno wins round 1 with more variety, while Daylyt takes the second round with better (“You be at the bottom at the ocean like blue whale dookie”) bars, crowd-pleasing lines and less filler. Tied going into the 3rd, it’s Uno’s from jump, imitating Daylyt’s past performances with delightful effect, while Daylyt pretty much wastes the round to deal with personal hardship and past tribulations. Indeed, usually a Stone Cold stunner makes for an automatic win, but not in this case.
Verdict: Uno Lavos (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Uno Lavos – “To fuck Diddy or T.I., you like to choose!”
Recap: If this battle was a one-rounder, Uno Lavos and Young X might”ve had a classic on their hands. That’s how incredible and crazy round 1 was as both Young X (“I ain’t no blood I don’t care if it’s poppin’, but I’ll leave a blue Crip flat in the street like handicap parking”) and Lavos spit that heat, landing blow after low with repeatedly dope punchlines, personals, jokes and bars. If only X had been as entertaining (against the likes of Uno that’s not easy I know, but X has readily shown in the past that he can be a crowd pleaser) as his opponent, which coupled with more haymakers gave Uno the first round. After that things got pretty light as X just couldn’t deliver the consistency, performance and standout (lines like “I’ll put that metal all through your shirt, no coat hanger” didn’t go over anyone’s head, they just didn’t hit) bars we’re used to seeing from him. Yet, while Uno landed some punches with the “reach” jokes, Young X doesn’t have a rep for reaching and his round was a little too short. Come the 3rd, Young X continued to disappoint (“Lyrically I’m sick, this how Aids sound”) with the bars to the point where you might’ve thought this couldn’t be the same guy who had a near classic/debatable battle against the likes of Brizz Rawsteen. After X’s turn, with an easy dub at hand, Uno stepped it up with a slew of jokes, personals and nice flips on X’s flow/style, just enough to overlook that slip-up/near choke towards the end and take the win.
Verdict: Uno Lavos (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Uno Lavos – “I said who told you you could get on this stage to rock with me?, I got two guns, Rick Ross, Ja Rule, both spitting about 50”
Recap: After a slip-up causes him to end his 1st round a little early and a spirited Jae Laww matches his opponent’s renowned wit with fiery performance bars and some vigorous Spanglish, after the opening round Uno Lavos gets busy with his, serving up a stirring dish of jaunty punchlines, able-bodied name flips and flexing set-ups to gain his moxie back in the latter rounds, turn the battle around and earn the win.
Verdict: Uno Lavos (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Uno Lavos – “All jokes and no bars, is that what you was expecting from me?, well consider this battle a Catfish ‘cuz I ain’t the nigger that you was expecting to see!”
Recap: To think how good Uno Lavos would be if he could come more focused and spit hot bars and jokes with equal ease. Still a good matchup till the 3rd, as Cityy Towers broke down Uno’s style and used genial (“The gift of gab real [Gabriel] union with your bitch in the pool, that dee wade [D. Wade]”) wordplay to take the first, while Uno actually spit some hard (“People thought because I was battling City I was gonna be off but I ain’t, because my niggas is known for clicking and popping like Carlton Banks”) bars to edge the 2nd. Split after two, Cityy just upped the ante and spazzed with wicked personals, mean performance (“My shit ain’t over heads, it’s under chin!”) bars and line by line heat all throughout, leaving Uno to stumble through his 3rd round and eventually wave the white flag.
Verdict: Cityy Towers (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Uno Lavos – “This gun will put niggas to sleep, that’s why I tuck it in!”
Recap: Is a win really a win when you’ve been exposed for allegedly being a rapist and woman-beater? Thanks to a pretty creative 3rd round from Bonnie Godiva, I guess that that will be up for Uno Lavoz to decide. But damn if Uno didn’t know something was up when you see your ex-girlfriend standing on stage…on the opposing side. Nonetheless, thanks to a slick mix of very disrespectful shiners, solid punchlines, a none-too-clean-2nd from Bonnie and that noted wit he’s become renowned for, it’s Lavoz who easily takes the first two rounds for the vic here.
Verdict: Uno Lavoz (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Uno Lavoz – “And Ill Will even said that at one point you was talking to that dude as well, shit, she such a battle slut she should a get a tattoo above her cunt saying ‘Rapper to my right, introduce yourself!'”
Recap: Lame battle as Kannon barely came prepared and Lavos’ theatrics just make it hard to take him seriously. Give it to BK on the strength of the immigration and X-men schemes as well as having better overall punchlines.
Verdict: Big Kannon (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Big Kannon – “Since you an esai [essay] it’s like I’m typing a paper to the people that’s viewing ‘cuz I’m subject to get a body for this reach of conclusion”
Recap: While she lost the 1st round thanks to a couple of ill rebuttals from her more versatile opponent, for the first round anyway, a just-as-disrespectful, witty and (“9 months later your father put on some lip gloss and came out!”) scheme/bar-heavy Dekay held her own against the flippant stylings of Uno Lavoz. But then the rest of the battle happened and from there it was a wash. As in front of a spirited and high-energy London crowd, Uno went in for the kill with a classic 2nd round that put the DM in downright mean what with hilarious (“I mean your mom killed so many fucking babies, she the only bitch that go to abortion clinics and have reserved parking!”) abortion jokes galore and other frenzied personals that could make a girl cry, before edging the 3rd with a none-too-clean, but solid turn that beat back what was a subpar round from Dekay.
Verdict: Uno Lavoz (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Uno Lavoz – “No bitch, it’s called being creative, being unique and coming up with some of the wildest thoughts, but I forgot this bitch used to be homeless so I guess it’s hard for her to think outside the box!”
Recap: You’d think with a potential $5k to go after, a couple of talents like Kid Twist and Uno Lavoz would put on a more pitch-perfect show. But in between sips on his brew Uno spends too much time editorializing, while the normally comically consistent Twist as a whole under-performs. Still, after a close round one edged by Lavoz’ rebuttals/freestyles, Twist has enough witty bars and personals left in his tank to come from behind, take the latter two rounds and get the win.
Verdict: Kid Twist (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Kid Twist – “So yeah you beat ZM, but that gossip shit was sort of weak, I thought I turned into the Real Housewives of Puerto Rico”
Recap: “Your mom’s sells cupcakes at a hardware store” and that “wetback” rebuttal, with Uno Lavis it’s rarely not entertaining. But just jokes in the midst of repeated filler won’t win you a battle against a promising up-n-comer like KG the Poet who elicits enough .personals, haymakers and steady punchlines to get the dub here.
Verdict: KG the Poet (W) 2-1
Favorite line: KG the Poet – “….you like an Arizona weatherman, you gotta lie about a Storm to get attention”
Recap: Any judge who bases his vote on how the other judges voted (as the last guy did here) should never be allowed to vote again. That being said, Nims m/ Skillz win this one, a dope rebuttal game along with out-baring and (“Your mama shaves her pussy on the bus!”) out-joking a gritty (“My flow’s fresher than a baby that drowns in detergent”) at times, but overall inconsistent Uno Lavoz with relative ease throughout all three rounds, while making you wish the camera guy gave you at least one shot of just how good Nims’ girl actually looked.
Verdict: Nims m/ Skils (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Nims m/ Skils – “My plan was to beat you than fuck your girl…didn’t happen in that order”
Recap: Uno Lavos bumps into a rare emcee who can compete with him on the joke tip as Lunar C uses funny jokes (“Denying your own ethnicity is a bit shady, he’ll try telling you that he’s Spanish and not an Arab, but we all know he’s Israeli”), some weighty bars and witty (“Where I’m from, Philadelphia’s a spreadable cheese”) quips to take the latter rounds here and overcome his opponent’s 1st round comeuppance, zealotry and neck jokes.
Verdict: Lunar C (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Lunar C – “You have a small nose and big nostrils, the hatred I have for your nose can’t be contained, I wholeheartedly hate that whole part of your face, when you breathe out through it it makes you walk backwards and have a slow start to your day”
